From when I was little I have felt like an outsider - I felt I didn't belong. I was so very different from my parents in every way. I had strong opinions and a strong will - even a well developed sense of social justice. I remember my dad giving me hidings with a belt for something I had done - and my fierce retort as a little person was "it doesn't matter how many times you hit me, I will not cry - I have done nothing wrong".
As a teenager I was curious, reading books and playing music that were anti-apartheid in a country that was still largely racist. I consumed Andre Brink books and played Juluka music, and I built a circle of friends who were of mixed race, culture and religion. This was very unusual in the 1970's for a young white girl from the suburbs. Mario Schiess (the father of one of my friends Michelle) took me to see theatre performances at the Market Theater in Braamfontein, many of which were banned because of mixed race casts.
As I matured, I developed a strong identity of being different - I mixed with friends who were of mixed race, gay, different religions, different socio-economic circumstances and cultural backgrounds. I felt comfortable with them because they were also outsiders.
When I worked in Corporate I was the leader recruiting people with tattoos and nose rings long before hipsters were cool. I remember the Chairman of the Woolworths group in South Africa at the time being in a lift with one of my web designers who had both tats and piercings and he said "Briel, is he one of yours?"
So now, with my 60th birthday coming up on 7 August I am again struggling with my identity and in some ways I feel like a teenager again.
What is my place in the world? Where do I fit in? Who are my tribe? What is my purpose? How do I leave the world a better place?
And I am still embroiled in this horrible legal matter that will determine if I have any financial support from my disability insurer or not.
So much is still unsettled.
But what I do know is that I definitely am an Artist. My future will be centered around my art. I want to be the champion of Art as a healing practice for people with Mental Health Challenges. I want to use all the
Emotions that I pour into my paintings as a way of connecting with people. I want to build a new tribe. I want my art to help me in my journey to Independence.
So the reason I don't feel old as I come up to my 60th birthday is that I no longer am in the toxic workplace that caused my breakdown. Despite CPTSD, depression and anxiety, I am exploring who I am as an emerging artist. I am on the brink of individuating again (maybe my second Saturn return). This second adolescence is painful too - but I am hoping I come out the other side with some healing and a clear vision.
As an aside - my friend Darren is building me an amazing website to start selling my work. In the interim if there is any of my work you would like to purchase (originals, numbered prints or unlimited prints) please let us know on abdiversityinc@gmail.com and we can organise a quote including shipping.
Thanks for your interest and support
Much love
Audrey
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